Let’s Eat Garbage - Tombstone French Fry Crust Pizza

Whenever I need to write out some kind of bio for social media or what-have-you, I always put down something along the lines of “likes garbage food.” It’s true! Nothing straight out of a dumpster, mind you (though it may seem that way sometimes); the kind of junk food filled with preservatives, lethal doses of sodium, and those sweet empty calories. Stuff you find in the frozen food section or hanging on a peg hook display at a gas station. I’m all about that “borderline pre-diabetic” life. As I’m getting older, however, my time spent eating this delectable trash will probably decrease. Not because I want to, but because my gross decaying body just can’t handle it like I used to. So I figure it might be fun to chronicle some of my junk food adventures and tell the world what I think about these foods that no normal human should ever consume. Energy drinks, snack cakes, and truck stop taquitos…time to try them all before I die in three months.

Let’s start off with this interesting slab of filth I’ve heard about recently. Tombstone is my go-to brand of frozen pizza, and boy do I go to it constantly. They were always a good balance of deliciousness and affordability, making a thin crust pizza with a nice, zesty sauce and decent toppings and selling it at a decent price. It’s no DiGiorno, but it’s also not Jack’s “slap-some-toppings-on-an-oversized-saltine” pizza. Well it looks like they’re trying to cater to the toked-up audience by replacing their usual crust with what’s supposedly a big, flat French fry. What would chili cheese fries taste like as a pizza? It’s a question nobody asked and Tombstone’s got your answer…or at least, it tries.

The French fry pizza comes in two varieties, at least in the store where I found them. First is chili cheese, topped with a mozzarella and cheddar cheese blend, crumbled hamburger and onion, and using a chili con carne sauce en lieu of traditional pizza sauce. The second is loaded bacon cheddar, again with the mozz-cheddar blend but with bacon and pork belly (a TASTY pork belly, I would say) with a cheddar cheese sauce. That all sounds good, but the main draw of these pizzas are obviously the potato crusts, giving them their supposed French fry identity. So, like…what, did they take some fries and flattened them real good to make the crust or something? Well, that’s something I’m still trying to figure out, even after these treats have been long gone. More on that in a bit.

Not the most appealing photo of a slice, eh? Welcome to garbage food.

Anyway, both pizzas in terms of toppings were pretty decent. The chili cheese one had a great mix of flavors, and the chili sauce really held the tastes together (it’s similar to Hormell canned chili in terms of flavor). Could’ve used a bit more spice, but it’s not bad. The bacon cheddar one was good, having those nice big chunks of pork belly for a great chewy texture complimenting the savory cheese sauce. I leaned more into the bacon cheddar one as my favorite out of the two, but they’re roughly about equal when it comes to toppings. But what about the French fry crust, you might ask? That’s where things get a little hard to figure out.

For starters, is it REALLY a French fry? Hardly. But is it potato? I honestly do not know. I kinda figured it was just potato bread, which has its own taste and texture compared to its gluten-based counterpart (these French fry pizzas are gluten free, by the way, so…there’s that). But it manages to be crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside, just like good fries should be. The taste isn’t exactly there, though. I liked the texture of the crust, but its flavor didn’t exactly scream “fries” to me. It did taste a bit more fries-y when I got to the outer crust, having a strong salty, oily taste to it, as well as it being the most crispy. The bulk of the pizza just had a…unique texture, I suppose. For a pizza boasting about its French fry crust, I’m not getting a French fry vibe from it. If it weren’t for the toppings, I wouldn’t have known this was supposed to be a potato-centric pizza.

Would I recommend this slop? For the toppings, I’d say go for it. I’m all for pizzas that use unconventional sauces like cheddar and chili, and these perform pretty well in that regard. If Tombstone’s regular pepperoni and deluxe pizzas are starting to bore you, these are a fun way to mix things up. It’s a good mix of flavors that can compliment an inebriated state of mind. If you’re looking for an actual fries-as-pizza experience, however, I’m not sure if Tombstone hits the mark. I can’t tell what the hell the crust is supposed to be, but it not exactly fries. Try not to think about that, though, and just enjoy the pizza for the sauce and toppings. It’s pretty decent for what it’s trying to accomplish.

The world of life-shortening trash food is vast and cheap, and my inner raccoon hasn’t even scratched the surface of what’s out there. What will I clog my already abused arteries with next? We’ll find out next time…if I’m still breathing.