I'm Still Here, I'm Just Really Sad Right Now

~ * image generated with AI * ~

It's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. Believe me, I've wanted to, but my current place in life hasn't been to nice to me in a while. Granted, it could most definitely be worse, and I'm basically venting and complaining right now. But hey, what else are blogs good for? In my quest to be not so up my own ass in my posts, here's a more candid update on what's been going on in my life right now.

If anything, I'm still trying to recover from the events of 2024, perhaps the worst year of my entire life. That could be a post on its own, but here's a rough summary: I attempted a more skilled position at my old job but flaked out due to personal reasons (I feel I made the right call there, though), ruined an opportunity at getting a CDL due to being stupid (caused a car crash and totaled my vehicle, bit of a tale there), had to go all year and then some without my own car, delt with some heavy personal drama with my family...all while holding up a rough job at an Amazon fulfillment gulag that was never supposed to be permanent like it is now. Again, it could be way worse, but from viewing it through my own personal lens, things sucked really hard that whole year. My mental health was at its lowest point, losing multiple jobs and fighting with the few people in this world I actually care about. Nothing went right and I was not doing well at all.

But you know what they say about being at rock bottom. Things have slightly improved since then during 2025. I've given up on the CDL; after a few events in my life, I've deemed myself too unhealthy for a life on the road. Because of that, I've made my current job...work for me, I guess. The work at the fulfillment center is rough, and it's definitely beat me up a few times (I've developed a thing called "heel spurs" and it makes standing for 10 hours a day a literal pain). Despite that, the pay is pretty decent for what the work is. With benefits and such, it's actually been worth going to work and dealing with, y'know, the whole ordeal. It's no dream job, but I've actually been to far worse jobs...jobs that suck your soul dry. This place doesn't do that. It only drains you physically and breaks your body down to powder, but being a blue collar idiot straight out of high school got me used to that...not that I like it. At any rate, despite it all, my current job is most definitely worth keeping. If they don't get rid of me first, that is.

Getting a handle on my debt has been quite a task for me, too. Through a debt service/consolidation dealie, my past credit-based foibles are handled. I won't be getting collection calls again, at least. I've filed for bankruptcy in the past, so going through this crap again is really embarassing. I dunno man, I had a good handle on a lot of my business for a while, until I had this CRAZY IDEA of wanting to better myself and improve my life. One misstep towards my own personal glory turns into that one domino meme (you know the one) leading to where I am now. I'm still sour about it, but at the end of the day, this was a situation I brought on myself. Perhaps I have no right to complain, but god help me, it's gonna happen anyway.

Even with things looking up, even ever so slightly, I'm still dealing with that one monkey I can never truly get off my back: depression. And that's not a "boo hoo I'm just SoOoOoO sAd" misuse of the term. My doctor actually has diagnosed me with a mild depression; not bad enough for meds but just enough to effect my personal life. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse thanks to all the overtime I've been putting in at work. My past debt has been settled, but my current ones are weighing me down, now with another car to pay off as well as dealing with a vastly increased car insurance premium (one again, brought this on myself). It's a constant game of catch-up that I probably won't be ending for the next few years. Fortunately I work for a place with a lenient attendance policy and high employment turnaround, so extra shifts are always available. That's been keeping my finances afloat (if barely), but all that working has obviously affected my physical and mental health. Not only do I have the heel spurs in my foot, but now my entire right leg is feeling pretty shit, possibly due to nerve damage. Being in a work environment for such a long time has melted my brain, as well. There are days where seeing the smallest thing happen makes me want to throw a chair, kinda like how a really old couple gets super annoyed when there spouse fucking BREATHES a certain way. I just...see it way too much, y'know? I've flipped my shit there before (I call it my "autism fit" for certain reasons), and I've tried my best to keep myself more reserved since then. Keeping all this stuff bottled up has caused a poison to leak in my brain, and I get slightly unhinged at work from time to time. I tend to spout nonsense and swear like a sailor when I'm mentally exhausted, and coworkers tend to hear this stuff. One of these days I'm gonna end up saying something I'm gonna regret, but perhaps a part of me WANTS them to hear. If it wasn't for the world of digital comic book distribution to keep me sane, I don't know what I would do (I'll definitely be talking more about that soon). In short, I'm sad and overworked and I hate myself even more than usual, despite still moving upward.

I'm not feeling too terrible right now, though. Not for a little while, actually. Suddenly out of nowhere, things are looking a little brighter. It could be that I'm getting yummy endorphins from the upcoming holiday season. That time of year between Halloween and New Years tends to cheer me up until the seasonal affective shit hits. It makes me want to fill my free time with more than just depression sleep. Ideally, I'd like to increase my creativity time. I've been fiddling with AI generated stuff for so long, I'm sure lots of actual artists find me unbearable. I totally understand their point of view, though, despite me being a fan of generative AI. It would be great if I could recapture that feeling of wanting to create (or at least doodle) that I had back in high school. In the back of my mind, I'd want to finally teach myself how to use Blender for 3D modeling, and yes, write in my blog more. If I ride this tiny high I'm on until I can get myself into some healthier habits, I just might climb out of rock bottom with a smile on my face. Or with no tears in my eyes, at the very least.

tl;dr: I'm sad and exhausted but I'm getting better and you'll see more from me soon.